


Love Sucks

by lesbijkas



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (in chapter 1 anyways), (then it's Remus-centric w/ the surprise chapter 2), Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Love, everyone has it bad, it's Sirius-centric though, like. big time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 15:00:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12111252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbijkas/pseuds/lesbijkas
Summary: “We’ve talked before. I know it’s hard-”“Fucking hell, Remus, not this again-”Hearts are broken. Love comes too late.





	1. Broken

            Remus sighed. It was inaudible, and his face was behind his arms, so no one could tell he had sighed, but he sighed nonetheless. He watched as Sirius watched James, who was watching Lily, who was reading in one of the overstuffed chairs in a light grey sweater that Snape had gifted her the previous year. She was probably studying for their OWLs, which Remus had been trying to do, but the air was too palpable with longing to get anything done.

            How Lily hadn’t noticed and wacked James over the head with her book was a mystery. Peter gave him an answer in the form of a soft snore, cheek crushed up against the table they were studying at. Were _supposed_ to be studying at.

            Merlin, love sucked.

            Remus sighed again.

            Eventually, the fire dimmed. Students stated walking up to their dorms. Remus nudged Peter awake. James snapped out of his blinkless gazing when Lily snapped her book shut before walking towards the girls’ dormitory. Sirius blinked once, then twice, quickly looking down to his mostly blank parchment.

            They trudged upstairs together. Peter closed his curtains almost as soon as he changed and said goodnight. Remus changed into his sleep pants and watched out of the corner of his eye as James grabbed his towel and shampoo so he could take a shower. Sirius had settled onto his bed, a book open on his lap as his fingers subconsciously picked at the edge of his ratty sleep shirt.

            When the bathroom door clicked shut and locked, Remus went around his bed to sit on Sirius’. Remus closed the curtains, quickly setting a silencing charm, all the while ignoring Sirius’ look. His book was now closed, hands tucked under his thighs.

            They sat across from each other, Remus at the foot with Sirius’ back against the headboard, neither willing to break the silence. Sirius fidgeted. Remus’ fingers twitched.

            “So, what’s up?” Sirius finally asked.

            Remus didn’t respond right away.

            “Sirius…”

            Sirius frowned.

            “We’ve talked before. I know it’s hard-”

            “Fucking hell, Remus, not this again-”

            “Sirius Black!” he hissed out, causing the other to freeze. “I wish more than anyone that I could help you, but there is nothing either one of us can do. You are hurting yourself and I can’t just sit and watch.”

            “I’m fine Moony, do I look like I’m hurting?” he asked, trying to brush off Remus. Like the last time. And the time before that.

            “James is not gay Sirius. He isn’t now and he isn’t going to be. He has had a crush on Lily for years. He asks her out at least once a week. He calls you his brother in everything but blood- and even then his mother is your aunt! You need to-”

            “I need to _what_ Remus?” Sirius finally cut him off, expression filling with anguish and the knowledge of how unfair it all was. “What do you want me to do? Bury my feelings until I’m choking? Give up and move on? Don’t tell me to give up like everything is meaningless. What I feel is, is,” but he stopped, teeth clenching.

            “What you feel is real. I have never doubted that Sirius, and I never will. James wouldn’t either. But, you also know he won’t return your feelings. Even if he wants to, he won’t. He can’t.”

            Sirius opened his mouth to argue, like he always did. He didn’t speak, like he had begun to do. He cried, like he never had. His body racked with sobs, face going a splotchy red as tears dripped down his cheeks to his chin, hands going up to tug at his ever growing hair.

            “I know, and it isn’t _fair_ ,” he choked out. Remus didn’t say anything more, not yet. He only shifted, and Sirius threw himself at Remus without a verbal invitation.

            Remus' shoulder grew damp as Sirius gripped the back of his shirt, tears soaking into the fabric. Remus reached up to rub his back, straighten his hair, something, but the curtain on the bed shifted. Someone was knocking. Most likely James.

            Sirius sat up when Remus gave his shoulder a squeeze. They separated, Sirius’ face seeming to pale in the low light. The curtain moved again.

            Remus climbed out the other side and Sirius shut the curtains without needing any prompting. James’ head popped over the end of the bed, hair wet with a devious smile. He took in Remus’ rumpled shirt and the fact that Sirius wasn’t coming out as something else.

            “Ha!” he exclaimed, pausing dramatically to point a finger directly in between Remus’ eyes, “I always knew there was something.”

            Remus spluttered.

            “What?”

            “What do you mean what? You two would make a cute couple. Shit, if I swung that way, maybe we could all do some kinky stuff. I bet Sirius is totally into bondage,” James spoke as if it was an everyday occurrence, not a worry in his world. Remus swallowed, then let out a laugh.

            “We’re not a couple Prongs. Quit joking around and go to bed. We have potions first thing tomorrow.”

            James made a face before taking a running leap at his own bed. He left one curtain open, leg swinging over the side, as he finally settled down for bed. Remus didn’t stand around to watch however. He closed both of his curtains like Sirius and Peter, laying flat out on his back, heart pounding away in his chest.

            He and Sirius _weren’t_ a couple.

            Sirius didn’t like _Remus_ that way.

            Remus let out a breath, not quite a sigh, as he let an arm come to rest over his eyes. His fist clenched. He bit his lip.

            “ _Fuck._ ”

            Love sucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written from a prompt sent on tumblr: 
> 
> “Don’t tell me to give up like everything is meaningless.” w/ Sirius maybe????? ty dude
> 
> It's short, but I figured it couldn't hurt putting it on here. Kudos, but especially comments, are appreciated.
> 
> (Feel free to send in a prompt if you'd like!)


	2. Late

            “I’ll see you next week Remus.”

            “Stay safe Tonks.”

            Tonks snorted, as if Voldemort wasn’t back and Remus’ worries were just that, worries. Unfounded and ridiculous. She only smiled, a softer look than her usual glee filled smirk, before she walked outside and apparated away. Many of the Order members followed her out, going their separate ways to continue on as if nothing was amiss.

            Sure, they talked about Voldemort during meetings. For the rest of the time, it was like playing a game of who could avoid the topic the most. Which, hey, it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. If the only thing any of them talked about was Voldemort then it would get extremely depressing, and fast. Still, Remus couldn’t help but feeling hypocritical. (Even if it was only slightly so.)

            Hogwarts had been in session for a little under a month. Harry’s trial had gone okay(ish), Delores Umbridge had been appointed the DADA teacher, Sirius was growing restless cooped up in the house he swore he would never step foot in again, and Kreacher had only sneered at Remus twice that day. All in all, nothing was too bad, but nothing was all that good either.

            Remus repressed the urge to sigh, as he was prone to do, as he made his way back into the kitchen. Miss Black’s portrait stayed silent. The floorboards creaked with each step he took. The kitchen door was still propped open, and Sirius sat at one end of the long table in silence.

            Remus sat down across from him, not know what to say, or if he should even say anything. Sirius was worried. Worried about Britain’s affairs. About what he was going to do. About Harry, who needed all the help he could get.

            Sirius’ eyes were rather blank. They usually were now, unless he was directly engaged in a conversation. Even then, it took something significant. His whole expression, no, his entire self had lit up when Harry had been present. He would grin crookedly at Snape when they got into (childish) arguments. He would smile every time Remus returned from a mission away.

            Sirius shifted. His hunched over, haunted posture straightened out as he placed his hands on top of the table silently. He looked at Remus, swallowed, then looked away. Nothing was said for a few more minutes. Remus was content with quiet company after, well, everything. He knew Sirius felt the same way.

            “Do you think you could fall back in love with me?”

            It was spoken out of the blue. Remus didn’t, _couldn’t_ , respond. Sirius was meeting Remus’ gaze, eyes ablaze and wild. Feral. Something else entirely.

            “I understand if you couldn’t, you know; I never even bothered to try to return your feelings or see if there could ever be an us during school when-” but he didn’t finish. He didn’t need to.

 _‘When James was alive’_ could always, and would always, be left unsaid.

            “I think he always thought we’d be good together, that we understood each other. But, Dora really likes you, even if you don’t want to see it, so,” and he finally let the conversation trail off.

            Remus didn’t think he was breathing.

            “I’ve been thinking, and I remember how you used to look at me. It was just like how I pinned after James for years- Godric, I was a dick. I never even noticed. But you’d get this warmth in your eyes and this tone in your voice sometimes, and it was beautiful Remus.”

            Remus’ gaze was glued to the table, eyes unblinking.

            “You were, are, beautiful. And, I never even noticed or thought about it until all of our lives went to shit. You just, you’re, you deserve so much. This is stupid. I’m sorry,” Sirius finally cut himself off, moving to stand and most likely leave the room.

            Remus shot his hand out, grabbing onto the cuff of Sirius’ robes. Sirius stilled, looking down at Remus’ hand with confusion. Some hope. Remus didn’t know what he was doing, what he was supposed to say.

            “I…”

            Sirius’ hand curled into a loose fist.

            “I don’t think I ever could in good conscience.”

            Quickly, hope was replaced. Resigned expectedness, acceptance, _devastation_.

            “I thought you betrayed them for over a decade. I thought, no, I knew that you would never love me like you loved James Potter. And now, after everything we’ve gone through and everything else that is going on, it wouldn’t be right.”

            Sirius jerkily nodded, swallowing again, “That’s understandable.”

            “But, Sirius, I never want you to think I don’t think the world of you.”

            He only let a half formed smile onto his face, somber and understanding. He took Remus’ hand, which had still hung loosely on his cuff, to card their fingers together.

            “I know.”

            Remus felt relief. Then surprise.

            Sirius pulled him up, too quickly to stop anything, and kissed him. It wasn’t long, only a few seconds with the press of lips on lips. Sirius’ were chapped, thin on the bottom, and gentle. He let Remus’ hand go as soon as he pulled back before walking out of the room, not saying another word.

            Remus remained standing for an unknown time, his fingers coming up to touch his mouth with cloudy eyes.

_‘You two would make a cute couple.’_

            “Oh Sirius.”

            He slumped back down into his seat, putting his head in his hands with swimming thoughts and a churning stomach.

_‘You deserve so much.’_

            “So do you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise(!) chapter 2 b/c someone wanted me to continue the previous one:
> 
> that prongsfoot fic was bomb as fuck! could yo continue it with 'don’t you think you can fall back in love with me?' thanks! :)
> 
> Here's a part two!! Hope it is good as the first.
> 
> Kudos, but especially comments, highly appreciated.


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